Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Dream

Since I was a child, I have had the same dream over and over again. This has gone on for years, with no signs of stopping. This has always fascinated me: what is it about me or my life that causes this dream play on repeat in my brain for all these years?

The dream is always the same: I'm late and completely unprepared for something very important. As much as a I try and as quickly as I scramble to get my act together, I'm unable to do so. Sometimes, it's an important trip and I am unable to properly pack my bags and make it to the airport on time. Other times, I'm unable to get my act together in order to save someone I love from certain death or disaster. Most of the time, I am back in school as a student and I'm late for class. I don't have my books. I can't find my school supplies. I forgot to put on shoes. I can't find my classroom.

I always feel the same way: rushed, unprepared, and anxious. I typically wake up with my heart racing and drenched in sweat (disgusting, I know) and sometimes I wake up my husband because I fail to realize I was dreaming. The dream is always so realistic and it leaves me in a state of extreme panic. The dream haunts me while I'm sleeping and it sometimes haunts me while I'm awake, too.

Is there something unresolved in my life that causes me to be haunted by my own recurring dream? Why does it play on repeat over and over again?

I don't know the answers, honestly. I'm a (fairly) organized person and pride myself on being timely and prepared for just about everything. But really? You can't be prepared for everything---because most of the things that are thrown your way in life cannot be prepared for, unfortunately. I like to think my dream is a standing reminder that I'm not in control of this life and the more I prepare the less prepared I become.

How can you prepare for a tragedy? There's no way to anticipate something awful or to ever feel like you're ready for something you don't want. You can't live your life waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to be smacked in the face on some idle Tuesday with life-altering-game-changing-news. It's just not realistic.

So, you just live your life. You do the best you can with the hand you're dealt and hope and pray for the things you want. That's what I do. That's what I believe. That's how I live.

But the dream still haunts me, somewhere deep down in my brain in a place I can't touch. Maybe my act isn't as together as I'd like. Perhaps there's something unresolved that I don't know about yet. I have to believe there's a reason I'm being haunted by my own thoughts while I'm sleeping.

I'm just glad I remembered to wear shoes to work today.

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