Friday, October 14, 2011

Nothing Has Changed

We're still waiting---still no word, no phone call, no movement. With nothing to show for what I have come to know as our mental endurance. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic. I sit up, gasping for air, drenched in my own sweat. I'm caught in a nightmare of my own making.

 Has the adoption agency forgotten about us?

What if they lost our application and all this waiting was for nothing?

My heart races, thinking about how I might react to the loss of our place in some imaginary line we've been waiting in for fourteen months. I play out my reaction in my head, wondering if I would cry or get really angry or maybe we'd just give up altogether. Would more waiting--after this waiting--really be worth it?

I strain to understand that this is worth it. The ugly truth? Some days it feels like it isn't.

Maybe we could just live without children instead; wouldn't that be easier?
But this has never been about doing the easy thing.

It's a tricky line to walk: the one between being OK without children and wishing you could have them---we have to have a foot planted securely in both worlds. I have a heart that has hardened itself to the dream of biological children, but still holds a soft place for an adopted one. Or, maybe a biological one if some miraculous-divine-intervention-biblical-event-thing could happen. Maybe. Perhaps. Probably not.

This is what my head looks like, which is probably why I struggle with what to write in this space sometimes. I feel like just posting this every day:

We're still waiting for adoption. We haven't heard anything. Just like yesterday. The End.

It's true, but that really can't be everything, can it? I feel compelled to understand why we are in this place together. What is God trying to tell me--teach me--by allowing me to live in what feels like limbo? I don't think I'm being punished, but I do believe I am being taught an important lesson, one that has the potential to change everything. I think about this constantly: I am trying to decode the secret message buried deeply beneath a pile of garbage and rusty junk.

I have to protect my heart, but I also have to leave it open to possibility. When this thought plagues me, I let my mind drift back to a parking lot.

We sat in a parking lot, together, after being told that IVF was the only way. The day was dreary: cloudy, rainy and overcast. We sat in silence for {what felt like} an eternity. Then, we spoke in unison: This doesn't feel right.

This is what I believe to be the most amazing thing about life: you don't have to justify every decision you make. You have the explicit right to blindly follow your heart without explanation. How many times have you done something just because your heart told you to? Sure, people will question you. Maybe they will think you're missing out on something or that you are setting yourself up for failure. But here's the amazing part: your heart tells you that for a reason. And you don't owe anyone an explanation for that.

I can't tell you why or how we chose adoption instead of a medical procedure. We didn't do any research. We didn't talk to friends who went through the process. We didn't consult another doctor. We didn't do anything to gain any further medical evidence. We just walked away---put that part of our lives back out into the universe and let it drift away.

It was the right choice: both decisions were. I know this because following my heart has never steered me in the wrong direction.

What is your heart telling you to do?


Sarah said...

Beautiful, beautiful post. My husband and I have been there and knew that adoption was right for us too. Listening to your heart always guides us the right way.

Flower Patch Farmgirl said...

I promise, He's there in the waiting. He's rooting you on. So am I.

Susan said...

I'm sure no one has forgotten. It is a lengthy process ~ what's frustrating is that there are so many children waiting. And here a lovely home is ready.
Can't wait for good news for you!

Mark said...

Solid post, dude. "Would more waiting--after this waiting--really be worth it?" If you're looking for opinions (and even if you aren't :), the answer is "YES."


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