Some days, it's all that my body can muster to simply expend the energy required to keep my head above the water. My legs paddle furiously, just trying to keep up. Life is chaotic. Full of change. Chock with scary unknowns. But truthfully, it's never been more wonderful.
I thrive in the chaos, despite how it may appear on the outside. It feeds my soul in that funny way that lets me know I'm still alive. Still surviving and making my contributions to this world. It can feel like I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm headed, but I do know one thing: I'm doing the best I can. It's never more obvious to me than when I lay in the quiet darkness in my bed before drifting off to sleep. In those moments, the ones where I think about my day and likewise my life, I realize that the chaos has actually created purpose in my life.
It is the quietness of my life's empty spaces that remind me of my empty house. The one that is silent and has bedrooms that lay empty. But, it is the overwhelmingly full calendar and many ways in which I'm being stretched remind me that in the end, my life is still full. Full regardless of what it lacks. Filled with purpose and likewise, with all the things I need now---not the things I'll need someday in an unknown future. It is enough.
Chaos is purpose and a full life served to us in a not-so-pretty way. It's dumped onto our laps while we're in the middle of an incredibly important meeting and we have to sort through the pieces while still staying focused. Chaos doesn't really care if you're busy or broken--it arrives whenever it pleases. But likewise, it presents the opportunity to make something beautiful out of something terrible. To spread our wings and realize that life has always been about taking chances, not living in the protection of the familiar. Even when it scares us---especially when it has the potential to turn everything upside down.
If I am completely honest, the chaos that fulfills me also leaves me feeling scared. Frightened, even. Because it often makes me wonder if I am making the right choices as the chaos swirls. Can we still make the correct choice when it feels like the chaos is in charge?
For me, it's simple: I have to have surgery. I could choose the type of surgery, but that's the only choice I had in the matter. Essentially, I could choose the easy way or the hard way. As in, a harder recovery and more intensive surgical procedure. I chose the hard way. Because ultimately, it was the right choice. As it often is in life, the right choice isn't always the easy choice. It's the scary choice. It's scary because it brings the unknown into our lives but in the end, we know deep down that it is the correct path.
Surgery will hypothetically heal me. Heal parts of me, at least. You know, those broken and painful parts that I've lived with for so long? The ones that hurt and twist my insides have actually become familiar. Easy, even. So, expending the energy and healing to fix them scares me. But, like they say, it's never about what it's about--being broken and living in the place where I have made peace with my broken-ness is also familiar. Easy. And packing up my bags and heading somewhere else is frightening. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want my heart to be broken again. I don't want to have to move my heart somewhere else, in some sort of limbo between hopeful and at peace.
In the end, though, it's about doing what's right. Not doing what's easy.