My brain is incredibly restless. Sort of like Restless Leg Syndrome, only entirely in my head. Not that it isn't real, but when you say something is "all in your head" it tends to sound like you are imagining something that really doesn't exist. Except in your head. Which sort of means you might possibly be just a little bit crazy.
I always get this way when my life is like this. It's my brain's way of trying to settle into the things that aren't yet ready to be settled because they are completely up in the air. I crave normalcy. I want a routine. I want things to just be figured out right now, rather than on some random day after I completely exhaust my ability to be patient. Which is funny because of all the adjectives that could be used to describe me, "patient" just isn't on the list. In my heart, I know that's why I have to wait for the things that I want. Because I need to learn to be patient. Patience is one of the greatest lessons life could possibly offer; with patience comes grace and peace. Those are the feelings that we come to know when we know that we have no control over most parts of this life.
That's probably why I find myself drawn to the Serenity Prayer. You know, the one that tells us to ask God for the serenity to accept that which we cannot change, the courage to change what we can and most importantly: the wisdom to know the difference. Almost all of the frustration I feel in my head is from not bothering with the knowing the difference part---that sort of wisdom is irrelevant when we're in the throes of a frustrating experience. We can't see the difference.
But the difference is this: when you have done everything right, expending the energy required to secure the things you want most for yourself, the rest will happen in time. Maybe not on your time, perhaps not immediately, but it will happen. Just as it was meant to happen. After you learn the patience required to appreciate the things you want when they do arrive into your life.
As for me, I'm still waiting. I'm waiting for a lot of things, both big and small. And I'm still working on the wisdom part. That part, the one I lack almost completely, reminds me that when you want something incredible, waiting for it only adds to the experience. If you wanted something amazing and you didn't have to wait for it, would it still be amazing? Or, would it just be a stroke of luck or a random coincidence that you took for granted?
Maybe the more special something truly is, the more patience is required. And the less patient you are, the more you will have to wait. Because life isn't about an easy ride, it's about filling up the empty spaces.