Thursday, February 24, 2011

It's a Miracle


{The sunrise from our back deck. Effects from Picnik.}
I can't stop thinking about miracles. When everything around me gets quiet, I start thinking about them, my mind racing a mile a minute. It's a conflicting train of thought. Are miracles real? Who decides when and if they happen? How long do we have to wait for a miracle? Was there a number at the deli counter of life that I forget to grab for mine?

You see, my conflict is this: I was raised to believe in miracles. As a Catholic, and the lesson and explanation of miracles is one I have always found comforting. Beautiful, even. It's an amazing thing, really: the belief that in the midst of your pain and sorrow, something unexplained will happen and God will make things right. It makes the hairs on your neck stand up, that thought that a true miracle will be there to save you and guide you through the darkest moments of your life.

To be honest, I stopped believing in miracles a while ago. Because the miracle I was waiting for never came, and I was left feeling angry. Pissed off, actually. Month after month, then year after year, my hope in the arrival of a miracle dissolved. And believing--trying to believe--only broke my heart. But I have always had faith, I would plead at night as I sandwiched my personal prayers in between an Our Father and a Hail Mary. I have always believed. If I have done everything right, then why am I being passed over for a miracle?

My faith was lost somewhere along the way, because I felt that I had been let down one too many times. My heart was tired. When someone or something disappoints you over and over again, you harden yourself as a survival tool. To protect the vulnerable parts of your heart. I was vulnerable. I was in pain. I was hurt. Disappointed. Furious. I was convinced that this was all God's fault; he had decided to pick on me. On us. To dangle the promise of a miracle in front of us like a carrot, then whisk it away the moment we were within reach. I needed someone--anyone other than myself--to blame for the mess. He was an easy target.

Only now, after the sting of my miracle-lessness, have I realized something: I was demanding a miracle, not praying for one. I demanded my prayers, the ones that came from the broken place in my heart, be answered immediately. And when a miracle didn't arrive, I decided that it was because I was being ignored--that my miracle would never come and I would continue to be left standing alone in my own misery.



{Signs of faith.}

But we can't demand a miracle. We can't ask for something miraculous, then expect it to drop into our laps immediately: that wouldn't make it a miracle. I don't know it would be exactly, but I do know that it's not a miracle. I was so intent, so focused upon something, that I never considered any other possibility other than utter disappointment. What is a miracle?

Is it not a miracle to be alive? Not a miracle to survive? To have a roof over your head, money in the bank and food in your stomach? Maybe the miracle of life is just that---a miracle to live. My mind was so closed that I failed to see the miracle in survival, the beauty in my pain, and the promise that my life still had to offer. Just because a miracle doesn't arrive on your time, doesn't mean it won't arrive.


{My miracle reminder}
 But sometimes, it couldn't hurt to have a reminder. That's mine. It's a miraculous medal. I wear it with a diamond cross on a chain around my neck nearly every day. A sign of my faith and a reminder that there's still a miracle or two out there with my name on it. That miracles are still possible--especially the ones that are worth waiting for.

"He loves you right where you are, but He loves you too much to leave you there." –Max Lucado

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I waited 10 years for my miracle, and that was 3 years after I stopped believing.

Love this post- Katy

ChinaDoll said...

Thank you for sharing....I love everything you have written here...this is my favorite: "Just because a miracle doesn't arrive on your time, doesn't mean it won't arrive."

I guess what really matters is that we have to continue to believe in Him, pray and thank Him for everything...we can still ask him for the miracles we are hoping for but we have to patiently wait since He will be the only one who knows when is the perfect time...most of the time He even Bless us more than what we are asking for.

Have a great weekend!

♥hugs♥
coLine
www.thepinkchinadoll.com

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