Monday, January 24, 2011
What you do when you don't know what else to do
Every once in a while, a panic washes over me. I realize, for just a moment, that I truly have no control over most parts of my life. It makes me feel like I'm going to vomit. Or die. Or something awful, I'm not sure exactly. But, it bothers me. It rouses me in the middle of the night, like someone shaking me awake for some dire emergency that isn't real. Because there's no emergency; everyone is asleep and the night is quiet. Yet, the noise in my head sounds like a high school marching band is practicing upstairs at 2:00 a.m.
So, I stare at the ceiling for a while. Thinking about all the things that it's pointless to think about because thinking doesn't accomplish much of anything. How can I change what I can't control? How can I worry something into reality? Also, why did I see the movie Black Swan on Saturday night and expect to NOT have twisted dreams for the next 30 days?
The fact is, I understand most of the things I cannot control are most of the things that send me into an anxiety-ridden state. It's like I'm waiting to be pushed off a cliff. But what, I wonder, would be so awful about that? I don't know what's down there--maybe it's a really cushy mattress that will break my fall. I won't know until I get there.
So, I try. I put myself out there. I take risks. I control what I can and let what's meant to be carry the remainder of the load. Because I know that where I am now is where I'm meant to be--even if it's miserable. I'm here because there are still lessons to be learned, precious moments to be had. When the time comes, I will be swept to my next destination. It will be scary and it won't be easy, but it will happen at just the right time. From what I hear, destiny is always punctual.