Monday, January 10, 2011

Resolve



  I always hesitate to make resolutions when a new year rolls around. There's just something about vowing to completely change myself or rid myself of bad habits that makes me feel like I'm already setting myself up for failure. I don't think the New Year should be about complete life-altering change, but it is an opportunity to start fresh.

For me, I find myself longing for something that always seems to evade me: being present in the moment. I'm always thinking about what's next, worrying about what might happen and impatiently tapping my foot while I wait. What has never occured to me is that while I'm worrying and waiting and worrying, I'm missing out on the moment at hand. You know, the one where everything is just fine and nothing has gone wrong (yet)? But it goes even deeper than that. Being present is about using time effectively---taking quicker showers, watching less television, organizing closets and living with intention and purpose, rather than doubt. Every time I feel like parts of my life are tossed high in the air above me, I just sit and worry and wait for them to fall. I waste precious moments, filled with worry and the unknown, rather than just going with it.



In this moment, there are a lot of things that are unknown to me. Many things to worry about; things that may change the course of my life completely. But I cannot control any of them. I can only live with intention and faith, knowing that those parts of my life that are in the air now will land in time and in their destined place. It's hard to wait. It's almost impossible to be patient. And it's hard to stop worrying. But I can't keep living in that place--the one where I'm worrying about basically nothing and feeling helpless. It's not a fun place to live.

Remember when I told you about the things that reside in my office at work? One of them, an homage to the extended waiting period association with the adoption process, is now gone. Instead of serving as a reminder of what was to come, it was just disheartening. I smiled as I sent it through the office shredder last week. As it turns out, it feels better to shred the reminders of the past and the instability of the future than to stare at it every moment of every day.

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