Thursday, November 4, 2010

Knock, knock

{The results of our last break-in}

Who's there? Creepyface. Creepyface who? Uh, it's just Creepyface. That's the only name my mother gave me before I knocked on your door at 1:45 a.m. last night, sprinted to my waiting car and got spooked because your dog was barking at me.

Oh, you too? Gee, I thought I was the only one who had strange things happen at their home in the midst of the night. Seriously, what's so exciting about our little house in the country that everyone wants to come inside and take a look around?

Two years ago, someone broke into our house. In the middle of the day while my husband and I were at work. You know, because we have actual jobs instead of stealing things to make a living. They stole jewelry and took away my will to believe that I'm safe inside the confines of my own home. You know, the normal stuff. The enormous douche who broke into our house (and the homes of roughly 7 neighbors) was caught not long after and now fills his social calendar with daily events at the State Penitentiary. Lunch at 11:45, running around the yard at 2:15, push ups in his cell at 3:30, stuff like that. I'm sure it's a great time.

But that was almost 3 years ago. That dude is in the Pen, thinkin' bout what he done wrong! Surely, the rest of the degenerate world realizes that he took anything of value from our home and the big "I gots lots of stuff in here you want" sign that used to sit on our roof is gone now! Don't they know that we own just three televisions, none of which have screens that could be described as flat or were made after the year 1998? Haven't they gotten the memo that what jewelry I do own is plastered upon my body at all times? Of course, they realize that our computer is 5 years old, right?

I'm not sure if that particular all-points bulletin was distributed to the entire e-mail list of crooks, losers and idiots, however. I say this because last night at approximately 1:45 a.m., someone knocked at the door. Someone who the dog really, really, wanted to maim. And by the time we realized what was happening and got to said door, this person was gone. Well, actually they were sitting in a car by the road. Where they sat for a few moments before driving sloooowly away. Which they had to likely SPRINT to in the 15 seconds it took us to reach the door. Leaving just their wet footprints for us to remember them by. And even those were temporary.

I don't know who it was, I'm not sure what they wanted, but I do know this: I'm glad my husband chose to find an over sized lab mix abandoned in a garage in college instead of a teacup poodle. Everybody knows teacup poodles are great companions, but no strange person at your door at 1:45 a.m. is running from a small pooch named after fancy china. It's true.

Things like this always remind me of Stephen King. Not because I think it was a rabid dog named Cujo at the door, but because it reminds me of an interview where he was asked what would scare him. His answer? The doorbell ringing at 2:00 a.m. He flips on the light and a clown is standing there on his porch. That is scary. Unfortunately, these foot prints didn't look clown-sized.

But the bigger question is this: who was this person? Why did they come to my door? Why did they run away? Why didn't they TP my tree? Why not blow up my mailbox or deface my Mother Mary statue? I mean, those things would make sense. More sense than knocking, doing nothing (don't worry, I checked) and leaving, anyway. All I know is this: someone who has something legitimate to do or say does not come to your door at 1:45 a.m. and run away when your Labrador retriever indicates a strong interest in eating them for a Taco Bell-like "third meal." That or they decided that they really didn't need directions, anyway.


Steph S. said...

One of my biggest fears is someone breaking in, in the middle of the night, while i'm in bed! There isn't a night that goes by, that I don't think about it right before I fall asleep!

WOW, what a story - glad he's serving his time!

Lauren Laker said...

So Scary!! Did you call the police? Thank goodness for your dog!

Steph S. said...

I mentioned your blog in my post today! :) Be sure to check it out!

Ms. Emily Ann said...

Geez, that is one of my worst nightmares!! Thank goodness for your huge dog!!

PS I am an Ohio blogger too :) Glad to have come across yours!


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