Friday, October 15, 2010

Today's Feeling on Yesterday's Thoughts

{An amazing view from the back porch this morning}

“The only way to get what you really want, is to know what you really want. And the only way to know what you really want, is to know yourself. And the only way to know yourself, is to be yourself. And the only way to be yourself is to listen to your heart.” -Mike Dooley

I have always been the girl who knows exactly what she wants. I don't mince words, avoid conversation or dance around what I want. Even as a child, I always made sure that my opinion was heard--even when no one asked for it. I've always been outspoken when it comes to the things I yearn to have in my life.

Growing up, my family was typical. My parents have been married for over 30 years. I am one of four children. I went to Catholic school. I went to college. I carefully thought out my every move, for every moment of my life. There was no major trauma in our lives, no big problem, no life-altering issues. We were very vanilla.

My adult life has been no different; my life has abounded with more blessings that I can count. Things have worked out perfectly. I lay in bed each night, thankful. Grateful. Wondering what I did to deserve all of this.

So, the moment I realized I couldn't have everything I wanted, I panicked. Things have always been typical. Life has always been pretty easy. The blessings of life have come naturally, almost. So why now? Why, in the middle of perfection, was something I wanted whisked away?

Like most things, it took time to understand. Dedicated moments of thought to come to one important conclusion: why not now? Why not, in the midst of a bunch of hunky and dory, be handed a game changer? It's not as though there's a good time for anything awful, anyway.

But, when awful things happen to us, we like to say, "Why me?" But I believe it's not about that--it's about saying why not me--or you, or anyone else who has led a blessed, typical life? Why are we more deserving of a blessing that you?

I thought I wanted to be a mother. I thought I wanted to have biological children. With an epidural, of course. I thought I wanted to be a parent, like my parents were to me. Being told this wouldn't happen made me question what I wanted, because I remembered something funny: I didn't always want to be a mother. As a child, I wasn't interested in babies. I wasn't good with children. I wasn't motherly. I didn't have a maternal bone in my body. If you had asked me 10 years ago if I wanted children, I would have said no. Because I didn't.

My heart changed since then and perhaps, it had been harboring those motherly feelings all along. It can be difficult to understand the origin of a seed buried deep within our hearts, waiting to sprout. But when life happens, it has a way of changing our hearts. Re-prioritizing our souls. God has a way of calling us home, whispering His plans for us softly in our ear.

Did I always want to adopt? Did I feel an intense calling to adoption? No, no I did not. Neither of us did. Adoption was not something we had dreamed of doing or a place we had ever planned to travel. We weren't even going to visit for the weekend. It was not, as they say, on our radar. We said things like, "Good for them" or "That's great" about adoption, but that was it. But, that was then.

That was before we listened to our hearts, sitting side by side in the waiting room of a doctor's office. We realized they were telling us that God was calling us to another home. He was whispering his plans for us louder than any doctor or nurse could scream; it was an epiphany in the cold, awful room of a doctor's office. Some of life's best dreams are created in the most unexpected places.

I remember that moment, when the nurse with mousy brown hair cropped into an awful bobbed haircut stopped, midway through a speech she had likely made hundreds of times, and looked at us. She had packets of information on her lap and vials of drugs in her hands, describing IVF in a monotonous tone. She stopped mid-sentence, stared at our faces and said, "Oh. You aren't ready for this." 

She was right; it was like she just knew. We weren't ready. We were never going to be ready. It was as though she could see our hearts were leading us in another direction. They were. And as luck would have it, they led us to adoption. The path was not the one we had chosen and it was not conventional. It sometimes felt as though we had chosen adoption because it was just one of two options left. But, I believe it was there all along. I believe this path had been carved out for us already, just waiting for us to arrive, hearts in our hands.

As it turns out, knowing what you really want doesn't always come easily. It takes time to process, time to understand. And it means you have to realize that what you wanted isn't always what you want. Life is about evolution, not refusing to let go of your old dreams.

Today, I stand waiting to be a mother. Waiting for what seems like an eternity for an opportunity to prove that I am a mother. Because I know that I will be a mother. I will have children. I will be a parent, like my parents were to me. It might not look like I imagined and it won't happen the way I thought, but I know in my heart that this is what I want. This is what we wanted all along.


Rebekah said...

What a beautiful post. I am waiting to be a mother through adoption as well. God put it in my heart a long time ago. Even though I am nervous and fight it sometimes, I am also so excited! Good luck on your journey.

Anestazia said...

Hey there! :) Visiting from Friendly Friday! Just wanted to wish you luck on everything... sound like you have quite a lot going on right now.


Related Posts with Thumbnails