Friday, September 10, 2010
Self-control: I have it 10 months of every year
I pride myself on a few important attributes that I have mastered in my life thus far and self-control is high atop this list. I have very serious and strong willpower. Don't test me. I can control myself. I am dedicated. I don't sway from the plan I have written in blood. You know, the plan that says I exercise regularly, don't eat fried foods and refrain from drinking pop and eating junk food. It's a simple--but serious--plan.
Except? Except when it comes to candy corn. I cannot--I will not--control myself in the presence of candy corn. It is simply not an option. It's the only candy I love, and it's only available in stores for a very limited amount of time. This only adds to the obsessive urgency of consuming massive amounts of candy corn during the months of September and October. If you loved something dearly that you could only eat two months of the year, wouldn't you eat it until your skin turns orange?
Don't answer that.
Everyone knows that sugar is addicting. Once I am flying high on some bizarre candy corn induced sugar buzz, I only want more candy corn. And I want it now. 2 big bags for $3? Sure, sounds great. I'll take 12. I don't even know why they bother to refer to them as "big bags" when in reality I consume one in its entirety every 24 hours. All by myself. While watching shows about weight loss, like "Thintervention with Jackie Warner" on Bravo. That's right. I was shoving my face with mellow cream pumpkins while the super ripped Jackie barked at her clients about how sugar makes them fat and threw away all the toxic sugar-laded crap in their kitchens. Pass the mellow cream pumpkins, please!
Besides, I can afford to gain a few pounds. Apparently. Yesterday, a co-worker (and neighbor, if we're keeping track of these things) who I haven't seen in a while didn't recognize me. He seemed to find great difficulty in understanding why (Is it your hair? Did you do something different with your hair?) until it hit him: I recently loss massive amounts of weight, he declared. Yeah, that's it! Massive, massive weight loss. "Like, 25 pounds at least!" he said.
OK, so maybe I have lost some weight (5-ish pounds, maybe) due to stress, but nowhere near the neighborhood of twenty-five pounds. Not even the next street over. Or, in the same city even. In fact, I have never lost that much weight ever in my life, let alone recently. But, when you already have the build of a rail, does five pounds look like TWENTY five pounds? Maybe.
Clearly, this is a sign that I should eat more candy corn.
Once November rolls around, I'll be back to the old, boring me. But for now I'm happy being the crazy candy corn eating me who has little to no self-control when it comes to orange food coloring and corn syrup.
Posted by Emily at 7:41 AM