Thursday, September 9, 2010
It's not just MY alarm clock, I think it's all alarm clocks. They really are awful. But, there are so many great things my alarm clock has to offer! It plays my iPod! It charges my iPod! It has a radio! AM and FM! It gives me 5 million radio pre-sets! It wakes me up every morning! It has a gigantic snooze button! It tells me the time! And? And! It tells me the date! Plus, it's thoughtful. It wants me to be on time for everything, including important and non-important events. It doesn't discriminate, it just wakes me up any time I ask. Without asking any questions. I hate questions. They really are the worst.
But things can be rocky with my alarm clock. It gets poor radio reception unless we take that stupid wire thing and string it through my bedside lamp. That is quite unsightly in my decorating opinion. Despite our three years together, it always takes me approximately five minutes to figure out how to turn the damn thing off. Sometimes, it takes two tries. There are lots of buttons to choose from, OK? Other times, it just never turns off and I come home and it literally sounds like the alarm clock is screaming bloody murder at Rudi. Who, of course, is sleeping through the obnoxious sound like a tiny, newborn baby who has no idea what the big deal is. This is why dogs are late to everything and most people find them to be quite inconsiderate. The nerve!
I think things really took a turn when I met my husband, who introduced me to the delightfully wonderful world of hitting the snooze button. Before him, I was a total non-snoozer. Today? Today I am a minimum three-snoozer. I'm the person who sets my alarm early just so I can snooze--in heavenly 9-minute increments of course. This has created a tumultuous relationship with my alarm clock. In my sleepy haze, I sometimes think the snooze is the off button and I over sleep. Or, I can't tell if I hit "off" or just turned on the radio. Or, if I turned on one of my 12 optional radio pre-sets. I don't seem to recall reading in the owner's manual that I can set 4 alarms in 15 minute increments by pressing two buttons at the same time. Who in tarnation needs that function? What kind of alarm clock is this anyway?
This morning was no exception. I set my reliable old pal for 6:00 a.m. sharp. Like clockwork (har!) it awoke me with obnoxious beeps at my requested time. I hit snooze. Three times. Then, I began my morning routine. Which begins with washing my face with the other fantastic invention that plays a large role in my life: the Clarisonic Mia. It's the best thing ever and totally worth the investment. Also, it's sort of loud--especially when I'm washing my face and the water is running. So, the alarm clock is doing that thing where it sounds like it is screaming at the dog and I can't hear anything. Except my husband screaming. And Rudi barking. It's chaos. Chaos, I tell you!
For some reason, those two decided to act like our house was on fire instead of putting their heads together and figuring out how to turn off the alarm clock. Because I only have a college degree and I'm not sure how to turn it off. I mean, one of them has TWO degrees from an institution of higher education and the other knows basic commands in my baby voice. Can't one of them turn off the alarm clock without my assistance? No, no one can do that without me. Me and my lovely face, dripping with soap suds and my Clarisonic Mia humming a familiar tune in the background.
We need a less intelligent alarm clock, because I'm pretty sure this one has its PhD in Annoying from MIT. And no one in our house is allowed to be smarter than me. No one.
Posted by Emily at 5:56 AM