After much thought, some crying and lots of talkin' to Jesus, we have committed to making a large decision that will likely change the course of life as we know it.
We are going to adopt a child.
I've begun to hint at it, like when I talked about waiting here and taking a big step there, but I have this "thing" about just admitting things before alluding to them for weeks on end. It probably comes off as being completely annoying (you can tell me if it is, I have emotions of steel and a heart made entirely of coal) but...I just don't know how to talk about things like this. Well, I have ideas from a literary standpoint, I just don't want to be that whiny infertile lady who's always whining about her infertile-ness and ovaries. Er, something like that.
I have a minor complex when it comes to admitting that I'm not perfect. It's not that I think I'm perfect, it's that I'm constantly chasing this dream of trying to be the perfect everything, which we all know is completely impossible. Just when I thought I was almost perfect (har!) I found out we couldn't have children and I realized that (duh) I'm not perfect. Never was, never will be, so on and so forth. It brought me down a notch in more ways that one, mostly because it made me realize that no matter how hard I try--and believe me, I try--I'm ultimately not in control of my life's path. It's God's plan, not mine.
It can be a tough concept to swallow, but I'm getting there. I'm still that work in progress, chugging along day by day, working to put the agony of the road behind us--well, behind us. The thing about the situation that we're in is that we have very limited options (two to be exact) and those options are both really complicated and really expensive. There's no simple answer, there's no obvious choice and ultimately, either way is a long, painful road. Truthfully, this is what hurts the most. It's not the money, it's not the waiting, it's that it just can't be simple.
When my husband and I sat down to open wedding gifts the day after our wedding, we came across a card that had the most beautiful thing written inside. I'm amazed not only by what it said, but by who it was from. It read:
Always remember: anything worth having always involves hard work.
You can't have a rainbow without a little rain, right? We sent in our adoption application yesterday, which means we have a long, long road of waiting and red tape ahead. I'm OK with that, it just so happens that I have a large umbrella to keep me dry. I'm ready for what life holds for us, even if it's not what I imagined. Even if it means standing in the rain for at least three years. I'll bring my galoshes.