Wednesday, July 7, 2010

That one time I tried to kill my husband

OK, so I mentioned a few days ago that I found this super adorable and cuddly kitten meandering through a cornfield. If you know me at all, you know I spend a lot of my time in and near fields of corn. That's just who I am, you're going to have to learn how to accept it, OK? I like corn. I like fields and I always wear my stilettos in the cornfield. That's just how I roll.

If you know me even better, you know that I'm a humongous sucker when it comes to abandoned animals. Of all the pets I have owned in my adult life, I can't say that I have paid actual money for any of them. I had this devil cat once that I adopted and sold on Craigslist in college. She hated me, so I sold her to a nice lady from the Internets. Then, there's our fancy lap dog that was dumped as a puppy in a garage in college and has been with us ever since:

So, my newest find has been no exception to what has become the story of my life. As soon as I found her and she began to purr, there was no question this kitten was going to be all mine. I immediately began acting like a deranged child after I realized that she just HAD to be my new pet. I was all, "Isn't she cute?" "Did you hear how loudly she's purring?" "Doesn't she look like she's hungry?" "Can kittens eat corn?" "Can we keep her? Can we? Can we? Puhlleeezzeee?"

I was deranged because there was no one there to answer these questions. My super adorable husband was too busy mowing 358972 acres of grass to notice that I had fallen in love with a tiny tornado comprised entirely of hair and claws. $60 in cat supplies later, she was even more mine than before. As if that was even possible!

After bringing her home in a beach towel, we brought her to her new home: our garage. We'll just keep her in here until the vet checks her out, we said. Just so she doesn't give anything to the dog, we decided. She'll just enjoy herself out here with the trash, our two lawnmowers and this $15 cat scratching post that I thought was a great investment. Super.

Then, I quickly realized that while adorable, the cat was actually a tiny hair-covered vial filled with poison. At first, my husband's eyes had gross gunk in them. Then, they turned red. Then, they got scratchy. Then he started sneezing 3 times every 5 minutes. I'm that person who always insists upon saying "Bless You" to every single person in my vicinity who sneezes, so my tongue started to get tired from all the talking. Then, I think his throat started to close.

We soon had the world's most hilarious argument about the cat, filled with attempts to talk without sneezing and me realizing that perhaps that cornfield was a better home for the kitten who has now successfully ripped every shred of weatherstripping off the garage door. Who needs that fancy stuff anyway?

I found a new home for her, at a cat rescue facility nearby. I suspect that Kleenex stock will drop dramatically as a result, what with the fact that there are no longer dripping facial orifices at our house. Goodbye, Cornfield Kitty. May you always have enough weatherstripping to destroy at your new abode. We'll think of you when there's snow everywhere in December.

So, for the record, I wasn't *actually* trying to kill my husband, I just didn't realize that cats are his cryptonite. I don't need you asking Dateline to feature me on their next special on black widows. The last thing I need is this bad ass on my case.

{Photo from}


Jo said...

hairless cats? something creepy ugly beautiful all at the same time. And won't bring death to the hubby. just a thought...

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