Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Cussing Machine

Confession: I'm not crafty, creative or patient. Ironically, these are all attributes required to be good at making things. But I want to be crafty. I want to make things that are adorable and wear them. I want to sew curtains and make my own skirts and be just plain adorable all time. Is that really too much to ask?

Don't answer that.

Just because you aren't something doesn't mean you can't MAKE yourself something, right? I mean, I wasn't an athlete EVER and look at me now, gliding down the road like a gazelle when I go for runs. I made my lanky, uncoordinated body RUN without falling very often for pete's sake, can't I make myself someone who makes cute embroidered onesies for my nieces and nephews, both present and future? Yesh. Isn't it possible for me to be like the best Etsy seller of _______________ on Earth? Why not!

If I'm going to be crafty, I told myself, then I need to acquire the crafty equipment. Crafty equipment requirement #1: a sewing machine. Duh. I asked for a sewing machine for Christmas and it's exactly what I got. It has its own handle on top and everything! For easy transport to all those crafting conventions I'll be attending, of course. I need to carry that bad boy with me basically everywhere I go, and a handle is the key to easy transport. Everybody knows that.

After carefully reading the enclosed Encyclopedia Britannica Twenty Book Edition instruction manual, I was ready to begin my first project: a cover for my sewing machine. You know, to keep out the dust in between all the attending crafting conventions and carrying it around by the handle I'll be doing. This is going to be the Awesomest Sewing Machine Cover Ever, I just knew it. I went to the local fabric store, picked out adorable floral and polka-dotted fabrics, hemming tape, thread and scoffed at the nice old ladies who gasped when I told them about my little "project" and complete lack of a sewing background.

Didn't I have a mother who could teach me how to sew, they asked? Yes, I do have a mother. Thankyousomuchforasking. And yes, she does sew and uses her sewing skills quite often. She's crafty. And artistic. And good at making things, drawing things and painting things. Let's just say that I never, in my childhood life, wore a Halloween costume that was purchased at a store. Let's also say that I didn't get those genes. I got the writing genes and my sister got the artistic, crafty genes. It's just, as they say, how the cookie crumbles. Crumbled? Whatever. It wasn't my goal to discuss the ins and outs of my childhood at the cutting table at JoAnn Fabrics. Those old ladies just have a way of pulling it out of you, don't they?

{Buzz, buzz. Check out my aluminum foil wings, ya'll!}




{It was obvious, even at 7, that I had a future in both gymnastics and stuffed animal holding}


After returning home with my loot (and a further determination to sew something without my mother's help) I pulled out my sparkling new machine and, as the instruction manual said, began to thread the bobbin. It was hard. I called my mom. Asked her why I even needed a bobbin to begin with and what all this "threading" business was about. She explained. There went that goal.

So, I sewed myself a cover. Turns out it was actually the World's Worst Sewing Machine Cover With Mis-matched Sides Because I Just Wanted This Dumb Project To Be Over Already. Seriously, you cannot look at this thing and tell me it's not a hot mess.

Also, I gave up all future sewing projects after its completion nearly 6 months ago. Mostly because it was awful, and partly because my husband spent most of the time covering the dog's ears with his hands because every other word out of my mouth was four letters in length and looked something like this: #*!$. Turns out the only thing I'm actually good at making with my sewing machine is profanity. Lots and lots of profanity. Momma would be proud.

7 comments:

Mothers' Hideaway said...

We need pics!! <3 I bet you could do it.

Kristin said...

BAHAHAHAHAHA! You crack me up! And the pictures of you as a child are ADORABLE!! :)

Katie said...

You can totally do it! I like to look at projects and figure out the real right way to do things... then think about how can I do that (knowing my weaknesses) and make it easier and virtually flawless.... being practical helps me!! :o) (I.e. the curtain I just made reqired no sewing... stitch witch and a staple gun...

Cheryl said...

Visiting from NFF. I felt the same way when I first got a machine & gave up for years. Then I got a better one and told myself it was ok if things turned out a bit sloppy & to hang in there. Now I can tackle just about anything - my blog is my proof it can be done - couldn't even sew a pillow 3 years ago. So don't give up or let the first frustrations stop you!

The Simple Jocabell Life said...

Oh, I so need to see this cover!! We need pics! Start with something simple like a pillow and go from there. Did you follow a pattern of just judge it?

I'm stopping by from Friendly Friday!

The Simple Jocabell Life
Simply Fitting Into Life...and my old jeans

Le Chateau des fleurs said...

Sewing is very hard! I am too impatient for that also, so i don't blame you! I like easy and fast crafts :)
Following your blog, come see me and do the same!
XO
Frenchy

Popcorn Served Daily said...

HI,

I'm following you on a Friday Follow.

Happy Friday!!!

Lisa

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