Tuesday, April 6, 2010

That's pretty shirty

You'd probably be lying if you told me you don't own like 238973892 t-shirts. I am convinced that every organization makes a t-shirt for, like, everything and they want to give it to you for free. Because they know that you're obsessed with getting something for free even if it's a worthless piece of crap that you have no intention of ever wearing. I mean, EVER.

Little do they know that you're just going to shove it into a drawer with the rest of your oversized t-shirt collection and wear it to bed until it looks like pill-covered death and then donate it to Goodwill. Take that, marketing experts!

There is seriously a t-shirt for everything and everyone on Earth, if you look hard enough.


You just ran 3.1 miles all by yourself! Good job. Here's a t-shirt to celebrate your great exercise-related accomplishment that will allow you to proclaim your fitness to the rest of the world! Now everywhere you go, the people will stop and stare at that muscular, hulk-like awesome person who is capable of running over 3 miles consecutively!

Congratulations! You just spent $300,000 on a large piece of farming equipment. Please accept this crappy t-shirt and horrible polyester hat as a token of our affection! Y'all come back now, ya hear!?!

You like saying stupid, raunchy things but talking is just SOOO exhausting. Just cough up $30 and we'll let you be a complete jerkface without opening your mouth! You're with stupid? So are we!

I had to buy a minimum of 5,000 shirts to get a good price on printing costs to promote my business. I gave all the average sizes to the important people who arrived before you. Please take the leftovers that only come in XXXXL. Don't forget to tell your friends!

The number of free stupid t-shirts I own is multiplying by the second. One day, everything is fine and then the next, I can't close the drawers to my dresser because there are 10 cotton t-shirts exploding out of the front of this clothing storage unit. It's like a rabbit colony of stupidity in there.

Here's a sampling of my rediculousness:

Clemson University
When did I go there?

YMCA Camp 1996
This t-shirt is officially a badly behaved teenager with yellow pit stains. I'm totally not ready to parent a TEENAGER yet!

International Lady Harmonica Enthusiasts of Idaho*
I don't even own a harmonica and I'm not enthusiastic about ANYTHING! I'm a real drag, actually. Also, I'm not a lady.

There's a lot of 100% pima cotton related foolishness going on at our house. I mean, the super awesome closet organizer located in our walk-in closet really tells the tale. The 1/100th of the closet that I permit my husband to use for his clothing has been transformed into an organized t-shirt collection hideaway. For realz, he even busted out my beloved labelmaker to ensure all shirts are stowed in their proper location.
When you have enough t-shirts to separate into more than 5 catagories and require the assistance of the labelmaker, you have a problem. Also, who has enough "Nicer Shirts" to dedicate a sole shelf to said t-shirty items? I don't even know what that means.

The only redeeming factor to the t-shirt insanity at our house is my new hobby of  using my uber sharp fabric scissors (seriously, I have like 6 puncture wounds on my left hand) to turn defenseless shirts into floral necklaces. Poor shirts; they never saw it coming.

*This t-shirt/organization does not exist. I totally made it up to further strengthen my argument. Yes, that makes me a liar.

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