Saturday, April 10, 2010

My Current Obsession: Not having a jacked-up thyroid

I know, it's not an exciting obsession, like my most recent post on this topic. It can sometimes be difficult to outdo oneself in regards to adorable floral patterns. Setting myself up for horrible failure is just one of my hobbies, not to be confused with my other hobbies of road rage, crying during Oprah and thick, dripping sarcasm.

However, you would agree that having this current obsession is necessary, no? I mean, I think that I should throw my full-fledged obsession with the butterfly-shaped gland that controls my metabolism out there. I hate it when things are all secretive and stuff. It's messy. Plus, I am the WORST at keeping secrets. Just ask all the people who now hate me because I blabbed their secrets to the world.

So, what's a thyroid and why should I even care? Good question. Here's an illustrated photo I found on WebMD (Dr. WebMD is in my chart as my General Practitioner, in case you were wondering) to show you what your thyroid looks like:

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 Old guy thyroid mug shot, courtesy of WebMD

I use the term "your" lightly, because this photo is clearly of a man that is at least 75 years old. Me love you long time, WebMD, but what's with the ageism here? Can't us young, nubile twenty-somethings have thyroid problems too? Why must you constantly remind me that deep down I'm actually an old man with gray hair and a drooping face who lives in a young person's shell of a body?

Speaking of jokes...Hey everybody, the joke's on me!

It's on me because the pathetic little butterfly that lives in my neck has decided to stop working. I think it's still angry when I decided against getting a butterfly tramp stamp with all my friends on spring break in high school. And to think that I thought I was doing myself a favor!

Wrong. There will be no performing of any favors for anyone here.

Also wrong? The fact that the symptoms of hypothyroidism sound pretty normal to me:
  • Feeling tired or weak.
  • Weight gain/difficulty losing weight.
  • Dry skin and brittle nails.
  • Not being able to stand the cold.
  • Memory problems or having trouble thinking clearly.
Seriously, raise your hand if you aren't tired all the time. I'd throw something at you raised hand people in rage if I wasn't so darn exhausted all the time and could recall why it was you were making me angry. My mind's getting a little hazy under all these blankets that are protecting me from the cold.

In all seriousness, I am really tired all the time and I am almost always really cold. In the winter, my skin closely resembles that of a boa constricter's scales. But, it never occured to me that was a sign of anything other than the fact that I:

 A. get roughly 6.5 hours of sleep each night


B.  I have the body weight/fat content of a newborn squirrel

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Don't mind me, just drinking my protein shake

In fact, if we want turn this conversation to one about my body we can talk about the fact that it's nearly impossible for me to gain weight. In fact, I recently attempted to gain weight, per doctor's orders, only to find that I consequently lost 5 pounds. One un-check mark next to that symptom, WebMD!

So, what now? Other than having numerous vials of my blood drawn by various phlebotomists who marveled over my copius vein formations over the past week, nothing.

Apparantly a miraculous pill is the key to repairing the wings of the shriveled, pathetic butterfly in my old man neck.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go apply this package of Just for Men to my gray, old man hair.

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